10. Choosing The Wedding Party

Of all the choices made for a wedding, the people that will be asked to stand up with you in the wedding party will probably be the most difficult. More than likely, you have many close family members and friends and want to ask everyone to be a part of the wedding, although you know this is not feasible.

Choosing just a few people to fill the coveted spots is usually a difficult decision, not wanting to leave anyone out or hurt anyone’s feelings. Without a doubt, this is a sensitive process but with the information provided, the decision will be made easier. We will start with the best man and groomsmen and then work our way through the remaining wedding party.

10.1 Best Man

Traditionally, the best man would be a brother closest to the groom. As the groom, if you have one brother but for some reason the two of you are not very close, this might be the perfect opportunity to clear the air and make things right. If you do not have a brother or have one but he is not available for the wedding, then the next person in line to ask would be a best friend, perhaps someone you were close with in school.

The role of best man actually comes with more responsibility other than standing up in front of a church. The best man has the responsibility of hosting the bachelor party, he will work with the ushers, ensure all the groomsmen show up at the tuxedo fitting and alterations and help out with anything else that you might need help with. Therefore, while you might be tempted to ask your best friend, you will need to ensure this person has the time and ability to carry out the required duties.

10.2 Groomsmen

Just as with the best man’s role, this role comes with it’s own set of responsibilities although not quite as much. For these individuals, there is a definite financial responsibility. They would need to pay for any travel and/or hotel accommodations for the wedding, pay for the tuxedo rental and shoes and so on.

Additionally, the groomsmen would assist the best man in organising and paying for the bachelor party, providing their services as usher if no actual ushers have been designated and assist the best man where and when needed. The people chosen as groomsmen would include other close friends or perhaps a close cousin. Just remember that the choices are yours and it is common to feel a little pressure in making a decision that you might not agree with.

Therefore, the easiest way is to start by making a list of the people you would like to ask first. Next, talk to those individuals, making sure they understand the importance of the role. Sometimes, people asked to stand up in a wedding will discover that the role requires more time or finances than they can dedicate and if this is the case with one or more of the people on your list, you need to respect their decision and move on to the next individual.

10.3 Maid Of Honour

For the maid of honour, as the bride, you would first ask your closest sister. If you do not have a sister or if she were not available, then you would ask your closest friend. Just like with the best man, the maid of honour should be someone very close to you. Keep in mind that although the best man will have many different things to do, the maid of honour’s role typically carries even more responsibility. Therefore, the decision should be made carefully and wisely.

While the typical wedding has one maid of honour, for large weddings, it is perfectly acceptable to have more than one. Additionally, while it might sound strange, if you do not have a close female friend, you can actually have a male stand up in this position, although he would be called a “bride’s assistant” rather than a maid of honour.

The responsibilities involved in being a maid of honour include helping you, as you plan the wedding. In this role, the individual will provide you with support, help keep you organised, run errands, plan the bachelorette party, assist with the invitations, go shopping with you and just be your sounding board. In other words, whatever it takes to make the wedding run smoothly, the maid of honour would be a part of it.

While the above-mentioned are the standard things that a maid of honour would assist with, she could easily be involved in many more activities including some of the following:

• Taking over responsibility for the cake, music, flowers and photographer.
• Organising the shopping for and fitting of the wedding gown as well as the bridal gowns.
• Keeping the groom’s ring safe until the wedding day.
• Helping the bride on the wedding day in getting dressed, having her hair done, fixing her makeup and so on.

This role is truly a position of honour in that you will need and depend on her.  During this time of planning, you will be extremely busy and the maid of honour will be the person to keep you calm so that you can actually enjoy the planning process and not feel overwhelmed.

Because the relationship between you and the maid of honour is one that is already strong, sharing in this experience will create an even stronger bond to be forever cherished. Unfortunately, this role is often minimised, when in fact the maid of honour will be required to give much of her time. However, you and the maid of honour can make this something fun, a new adventure to add to your existing list of life experiences together.

10.4 Bridesmaids

Choosing the bridesmaids can be a little more difficult than choosing the maid of honour in that you might have several sisters and close friends. For this role, you would choose sisters first and then additional close friends. The problem is that there will be a limit to the number of people chosen, which is why this can be a bit awkward.

While most weddings will have from three to six bridesmaids, remember that you can always have more. In fact, with many ethnic weddings, it is common to see 13 or more bridesmaids but unless you have an endless supply of money for the wedding, you should probably keep the number to a manageable size.

The most important thing to remember when it comes time to choosing the bridesmaids is that you should take a week or two to decide. A great suggestion is to start by making a list of names and then one by one, go through and consider their lifestyle and current responsibilities.

For example, you might have a close friend that you would love to have in the wedding but her job is that of “flight attendant”.  Although she could schedule time off to be in the wedding, her job function is a consideration.  Another scenario would be if you had a close sister that is pregnant and her due date is just one-week from the date of the wedding. Again, she might be fine but in reality, you are creating a situation where you might be required to find an alternative bridesmaid at the last minute.

Finally, what happens if you have two friends that you love dearly but who are in different circles and simply do not get along? This scenario happens and if this is not considered when choosing, the result could be two friends battling to be number one on this very special day. Therefore, by taking the appropriate amount of time and giving specific thought to each person before deciding, you will choose the “right” people to stand up with you on your wedding day and avoid disasters.

Typically what will happen is that you might start out with a list of 10 people but after going through all the considerations associated with each, discover that you actually only have five or six choices. While standing up with someone is fun and a great time, getting dressed up, being a bridesmaid does come with responsibility.

Generally, this role would be the backup support to the maid of honour, helping her with errands, making centrepieces and other things needed to organise the wedding. Because the bridesmaids will be under the “supervision” (so to speak) of the maid of honour, you should also consider the person’s ability to be a team player and graciously follow directions.

Another important aspect in choosing a bridesmaid is that it is quite common to feel pressured into choosing someone that you might not have otherwise chosen. For instance, there will be “friends” or co-workers that might not have initially been considered now coming out of the woodwork, eager to be in the wedding. Unfortunately, everyone can not be in the wedding, making your choice somewhat challenging.

If you find yourself in this type of situation, you will simply need to be honest with people, letting some know that the choice of family members and friends has already been made. If the person is truly a friend and handles this response appropriately, then you might consider using her as a guest book attendant, reader or in some other function.

10.5 Flower Girl

Most flower girls will steal the show at a wedding, looking adorable as they make their way down the aisle dropping flower petals. This position dates back to Victorian times when the girl would “entertain” guests with her innocence and sweetness.

The flower girl often creates a relaxed atmosphere, putting all the guests and even the wedding party at ease. Depending on her age, she might also provide a little comic relief, as she performs her role. Her main goal will be to scatter flower petals, making her way down the aisle toward the front of the church. This pathway adorned with flowers is a representation of your beauty, indicating that you are making a journey to a new life of being a wife.

After all the flower petals have been scattered and the flower girl arrives at the front of the church, she will stand with the maid of honour or in front of the bridesmaids, helping keep her calm and focused during the ceremony.  However, if the flower girl is very young, she will probably tire before the ceremony is over, which is common.

To ensure she is comfortable and not too restless, you can request her mother and/or father to sit on the front row. If they notice that she is getting antsy, then they can motion for her to join them in the pew or the parent can quietly walk up and take her by the hand, leading her back to the pew.  Another option would be to put the bridesmaid on the end in charge of the flower girl and if she notices her becoming restless, she can lead her down to the parents.

One of the most important things to remember is that someone, preferably a parent, should stay with the flower girl prior to the start of the wedding. The flower girl can be kept busy with colouring, books, music and so on, which will help keep her calm.

If there will be a receiving line after the conclusion of the ceremony, the flower girl would not be required to stand with the rest of the wedding party unless she wants to. If she is older and wants to stay in line for a while, that would be fine but if not, it would be perfectly fine to have her skip the receiving line and join her parents at the reception.

The age of the flower girl is usually around age five to eight, although some people have had flower girls as young as two. In her role, she will walk down the aisle ahead of the maid of honour or just before the bridesmaids, whichever you are most comfortable with according to her age.

You might even have the flower girl and ring bearer walk down the aisle side-by-side or simply one at a time, giving each alone time in the spotlight.  Again, either is fine and the decision is yours to make.

For the attire, this too is a choice of preference. For example, the flower girl might wear a miniature version of your wedding gown, a long or knee-length dress that is similar in style and colour to the gowns worn by the bridal party or simply a fancy dress that a little girl might wear later on to a birthday party.

10.6 Ring Bearer

Just as with the role of flower girl, the ring bearer is a young boy that walks proudly down the aisle, carrying a pillow with two faux wedding rings.  Because the ring bearer is generally four to eight years old, he too can be expected to provide entertainment with his innocence.

Some weddings will use only a flower girl, bypassing the ring bearer.  However, if you want to have a ring bearer in addition to the flower girl, you should keep in mind that even the very young boys tend to handle the role a little better than the flower girl does at the same age. If you have decided not to use a ring bearer but you or your future spouse has a young brother or nephew, then you might have him stand up as a junior groomsman.

For the attire, the ring bearer can wear a miniature tuxedo similar to the groom, a regular suit that coordinates well with the groomsmen or simply a matching short set along with knee socks and suspenders. This position also dates back to Victorian times where it was believed that the more people involved in a wedding, the better. With the ring bearer being so darn cute, the role soon became tradition.

The same rule would apply for standing up with the wedding party during the ceremony. Depending on age, the boy may not handle standing for a long time so having a parent sitting in the front pew to help is crucial.  Additionally, the ring bearer will need to stay occupied prior to the wedding so that he too will be calm when it comes time to perform his duty. Finally, if he is old enough and wants to stand in the receiving line, great but if not, he can simply join his parents at the reception, bypassing this part of the ceremony.

10.7 Ushers

In most cases, you would choose ushers that are family or friends. However, if you are on a tight budget, it is also acceptable to have the groomsmen serve as ushers. In this role, the ushers would welcome and escort the guests to the appropriate seating. For the female guests, the usher will offer his arm for support with the husband or male companion following behind.

To determine the number of ushers needed, a good rule is that for a wedding of 150 people, two to four ushers would be needed. For extra large weddings that might consist of 500 guests, having up to 15 ushers would be appropriate.

If you plan to have the groomsmen serve as ushers, they would simply complete their duty of seating guests and then fall behind the best man to make their way through the procession. Additionally, remember that you do not have to keep to an even number of ushers. In other words, instead of having two, four or six, you can have three, five or seven.

Just like choosing the wedding party, choosing the ushers can also be difficult in that you do not want anyone to feel left out of the wedding. However, you will need to choose the appropriate number and feel confident that those not chosen will understand.

If there is any concern over someone being hurt, then you can have an honest talk with that person, which should suffice. Generally, these people are ones that love you and your future spouse, wanting only the best so they would understand and bow out graciously.

10.8 Reader

The reader is another person close to you that will offer a time of reading a story, Bible verse or poem to the guests. The reading creates a time of reflection and encouragement for you. Many times, 1 Corinthians will be read, which talks about all the things love is – patient, kind, never boastful…

Although the time when the reading is performed during the ceremony varies, it is usually done just before or just after the vows has been exchanged but prior to the minister sealing, the marriage. The reader can be male or female and for attire, the male would wear a nice suit that co-ordinates with the tuxedos or if the wedding is formal, a tuxedo similar to what the groomsmen will be wearing. If the reader is female, then she should wear a gown similar to the bridesmaids or a suit that co-ordinates with the wedding colours.

10.9 Guestbook Attendant

Unfortunately, too many people view the position of guestbook attendant as one that is not important or simply a spot for “someone” to fill when there was no other role available. This misconception is just that – very far from the truth.

Actually, having the guestbook attendant is very critical for a number of reasons. First, you will be very busy having photographs taken and getting dressed for the ceremony while the guests are filtering into the church. After the ceremony, you will briefly visit with each person in the receiving line and then mingle with whomever you can at the reception but again, you will be busy toasting, cutting cake, dancing and so on, meaning you will have very little one-on-one time.

Therefore, the guestbook attendant has the important role of ensuring that all the guests sign the book so that after the ceremony is complete, you will know exactly who came to celebrate with you on this important day. A signed guestbook is a permanent record, allowing you to see everyone’s name even if you were not able to connect after the ceremony or during the reception.

Secondly, the guestbook becomes a treasured keepsake from the wedding.  With this record, you can reflect back on your wedding day any time you like, smiling as you read each name. In other words, if you were to have someone attend your wedding but then you do not see him or her from that time on, you know that individual took time to celebrate with you.

For example, you might have an elderly aunt that is loved dearly but shortly after the wedding, she passes away. Perhaps you have a close friend or neighbour that moves to another state right after the wedding. By them signing the guestbook, you can now remember them each time you look at the names.

The guestbook attendant actually plays a very important role and is responsible for providing you with a book of names that you will cherish for life. Without this role, many people would simply walk past the book and the opportunity is then forever missed. The signatures are a direct association with the most important day of your life.

10.10 Musicians

Every wedding needs music to be complete. The music played, as well as the musicians playing it should have a special significance to you. One of the most important things to consider when choosing the music and musicians is that the choices made should co-ordinate with and compliment the wedding.

If you were planning to have a traditional church wedding, then you might be required to have the minister approve the music. This is actually common in that most ministers want to ensure the house of God is being respected with the choice of music. While the organ is still played at many weddings, today’s weddings include a number of musical instruments such as a harp, guitar and flute. Each of these provides a beautiful sound that is perfect.

If you have a close friend or family member that is a vocalist, perhaps they would lend their voice for your wedding. The music sung can be a solo or duet and either male or female. If you do not have the required talent from family or friends, then a professional can be hired.

The timing of the music is much the same for every wedding although you can choose to have things moved around if you like. The following is a guideline of a traditional wedding of when music is played or vocalists sing:

• As guests are being seated.
• Prior to the processional.
• Prior to the wedding vows being exchanged.
• During the lighting of the Unity Candle.
• During communion.
• At the introduction (when bride and groom have been announced as a wedded couple).

The goal is to choose music and musicians that will enhance the wedding, creating a magical ambience. The lyrics should be meaningful, the type of instrument romantic and the voice angelical. Just as the music to be played at the reception, you want to “interview” the musicians to ensure they will blend with the wedding and meet specific criteria.

Additionally, you should never feel bad about going through the interview process, even if the musician or vocalist is a friend or member of the family.  Reminding yourself that this is your wedding day and therefore, you have the right and responsibility to make the best choices possible. Your family and friends should understand and not be offended.